I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
