I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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