I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
