after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
