I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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