My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
