Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
