I accidentally burped into my bong.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
