where am i from again
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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