A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
