At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
