I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
