I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
