Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
