I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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