I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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