I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
