My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
