Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
