Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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