Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize