Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
