ugly people sure do ruin things
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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