i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
