If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You're a waste of cheezeits
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
