Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
