my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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