I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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