I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
