So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
