Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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