Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
