he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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