Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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