you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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