and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
