Where did you get a picture of my penis
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
