He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
