I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
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Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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