I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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