When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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