ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
