hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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