p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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