Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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