soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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