I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
