I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
