Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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