i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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