The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
