Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
