found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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