i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
