Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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